fearless.

been awhile.

feeling like a blog processor today.

i know the original intent of this song is romantic.

but i think it also applies to deep friendship.

this song is for all friendships lost.

it sucks. but it's going to be okay.

If that's the way you love You've got to learn so much If that's the way you say goodbye And this is how it ends And I'm alright within Never going to see me cry Cause I've cried [Chorus:] So go on, go on and break my heart I'll be okay there's nothing you can do to me that's ever going to burn me So go on, go on and leave my love Out on the street I'm fearless Better believe I'm fearless, fearless So oh woh oh woh oh... If this is how it hurts It couldn't get much worse If this is how it feels to fall Then that's the way it is We live with what we miss We learn to build another wall Till it falls [Chorus:] So go on go on and break my heart I'll be okay There's nothing you can do to me That's ever going to burn me So go on, go on and leave my love Out on the street I'm fearless Better believe I'm Fearless, fearless So oh woh oh woh... If it's between love and losing To never have known the feeling And I'm still sad we've loved And if I end up lonely At least I will be there knowing I believe in love Go on, go on break my heart I'll be okay I'm fearless Better believe I'm Fearless, fearless Go on, go on and break my heart I'll be okay There's nothing you can do to me That's ever going to burn me So go on, go on and leave my love Out on the street I'm fearless Better believe I'm fearless So oh woh oh... So go on and leave my love Go on and leave my love Go on and leave my love Better believe I'm Fearless, fearless Fearless. . .

empty.

when community dies. changes.
when we are who feeds.
when we give.
and give.
and give.
emptiness.
we are to be sustained by God.
but built for relationship and community with people.
imperfect.
broken.
failing you every time.
so is God really enough?
how do we rebuild?
is it worth it?
how do we forgive?
will it happen again?
can we handle failure?
and how do we cope...survive...live?
in the inbetween?
the rebuilding?
when it's hard.
slow.
unfulfilling.
where is the hope?
hard to trust.
hard to love again.
risk?


maybe.

enough.

be faster.
think quicker.
be more genuine.
do the dishes. and make the drinks. and answer the calls. and clean. and take out the garbage.
all at the same time.
do it this way.
do this for me.
help me with this.
meet with me.
call me.
listen to me.
grow your hair out.
lose weight.
i don't like your nose ring.
and don't expect anything in return.
don't expect encouragement.
because you aren't good enough.
and you never will be.
anyone else feel this way?
i do.
lately.
at work.
at home.
in so many of my relationships.
especially the close ones.
i wish i had the time to be everything that everybody needs.
i really do.
but i don't.
i just wish i could be who i am.
and that that would be good enough for the world.
it's good enough for Jesus.

easter.

have you ever experienced a holy moment?
like...everything just feels different, and you know...
you know it's because the presence of God is palpable.
that's what friday night was like.
'to be continued' on the screen, and everyone got up and left.
in silence.
no words were spoken.
it was incredible.
God is alive.
living.
we get to celebrate that.
we get to live that out.
the sermon today, on easter, was about losing your religion to gain a relationship with jesus.
we don't find our hope in rituals, and the tally of how many ministries we are involved with, how much money we give, or how many times we go (or don't go) to church.
i'm not at church today.
i am home.
i've listened to the sermon.
and now i get to spend my own time with my jesus.
the one who doesn't care about rituals or tasks.
the one who wants a relationship with me...good, bad, ugly, sad, crappy, heart broken, prideful, beautiful, happy, apathetic, loving, what have you.
thanks for loving me.
period.
no matter what.

peace.

this time around...
i'm not so stressed.
i'm not analyzing everything.
i'm not trying to control.
i'm not worried about how every little thing will make or break this.
i'm not trying to impress.
i'm not being really careful.
i'm being me.
and i'm giving this to God.
this time around feels...
different.
good.
better.
right.
because i don't need this.
this doesn't define me.
even if it happens...
it won't be mine.
because it is already God's.
always will be.
and isn't that better?
isn't that how it should be?
wow...i don't have anything to do with this really.
my job is still to love the Lord with all my heart.
mind.
soul.
strength.
can i do that with this? absolutely.
a given.
no questions.
wow.
i don't need this.
but i want this.
because if it happens, it will be this amazing gift from God.
this beautiful thing i will be entrusted with to bring more glory to him.
wow...that's an awesome thing.
hmmm....
amazing peace about this.
amazing.
that's awesome.

blessed.

i have amazing friends.
like seriously...amazing.
and i've been realizing how blessed i truly am to have these friends.
old friends like kate and steve who know me well and have been through a lot with me.
beautiful women like sara and christy and jenna and sher who encourage me and challenge me and are in this fight with me.
awesome guys like dan and paul and nathan who are so much fun, and who really take care of me.
it has been so good to have you all as friends...
thanks for loving me...inviting me into your community...letting me into your lives.
you guys are the best!

sick.

when i'm sick, i turn into a five year old little girl again.
i just want to be taken care of.
i lose my filter.
i say things i do not mean.
would never mean.
i hurt people.
i think and say things irrationally.
i let everything get to me.
i give in to the deadness that i have been fighting against.
lately i have been feeling so empty.
feeling like there is no real meaning to my life as it is right now.
like all i am doing is worthless.
which isn't true.
this season in my life is so different than anything else.
i think because i'm not in school, i feel like i'm not working towards anything.
which isn't really true.
because there is a purpose in this season.
and it has been so good.
i know satan is just trying to ruin things like he always does.
but i refuse to give in to that.
i will give myself grace for being five right now.
i will realize that this isn't who i really am.
that i get to choose who i am.
and i don't choose the five year old version of myself.
and i will see this as an opportunity to seek God.
to grow and learn and become a better person.
and i will rest in the fact that even when i am five, God still loves me.