sick.

when i'm sick, i turn into a five year old little girl again.
i just want to be taken care of.
i lose my filter.
i say things i do not mean.
would never mean.
i hurt people.
i think and say things irrationally.
i let everything get to me.
i give in to the deadness that i have been fighting against.
lately i have been feeling so empty.
feeling like there is no real meaning to my life as it is right now.
like all i am doing is worthless.
which isn't true.
this season in my life is so different than anything else.
i think because i'm not in school, i feel like i'm not working towards anything.
which isn't really true.
because there is a purpose in this season.
and it has been so good.
i know satan is just trying to ruin things like he always does.
but i refuse to give in to that.
i will give myself grace for being five right now.
i will realize that this isn't who i really am.
that i get to choose who i am.
and i don't choose the five year old version of myself.
and i will see this as an opportunity to seek God.
to grow and learn and become a better person.
and i will rest in the fact that even when i am five, God still loves me.

fight.

i think jesus is stretching me.
testing me.
when we pray, he doesn't promise answers.
he only promises that he has good plans for us.
that we can trust him.
which is so hard to do.
but i refuse to be passive.
i refuse to give in to laziness and fear.
i will reject those things.
i will step out in faith, and trust that God will catch me.
i will receive grace.
i will give grace.
and i will continue to pursue love and truth in all that i do.