questions.

"Katy stands at the top of the stairs
As she's leaving her father stares
What has she come to? Another boy she runs to tonight
Powerless he just shakes his head
Disappointed and off to bed
But he won't be sleeping cause the hours she's keeping are not right
She's asking a question, how will I be?
After this next one eventually leaves me
How can a man be all that they say when all that I know
Is men run away? I think I lose just a little bit of me in every man that I see.
Danny's been out now for 7 days
Funny how he thought the price had been paid on a past he hates to talk about
It's everything wrong about him
He goes back home to a battle field and starts to drink as some kind of a shield
For the anger instilled in him and their looks are killing him now
He's asking a question
How will I be when it comes down to the end and memories still haunt me?
How can He have forgiveness that flows when no one forgives me
Yet it's Jesus they know
I think I lose just a little bit of me in this family that won't see
A crowd of confusion gathers round watching the light as he slowly goes out
After all they've talked about everything's coming out now
Their anger turns to dead and gone
Hearts start to feel what feels so wrong and as the time starts passing by and hours turn to days in their heads they can still hear Him say
I came for your questions of what you don't know
But you can't see the answers unless I go
So give me your hatred and give your diseased
Give me your tired and I'll take them with me
Cause I'm hanging here losing every part of me
Just to open your eyes to what you would never see
And to answer your questions there's no place that I'd rather be."

-Jon McLaughlin, Questions

this song really captures the human condition, i think.
i mean, not everyone's story is exactly like this.
but we all have hurts that shape us.
questions that go unanswered by the people we love most.
seeking validation in worldly things...in people who will most definitely fail us.
in money.
in work.
in our accomplishments.
we've all been there.
we're all still there.
i've been there.
it took me twenty-two years to find that validation in God.
and no, i'm not being sappy.
or cheesey.
or lame.
a real relationship with jesus is anything but.
and yes, i still struggle.
every day.
but i am a different person today than i was just a year ago.
just eight months ago, even.
and it's because i found myself through the experiences i've had.
and i found my heart again.
and i realized that i can't be the person i want to be, the person i have to be, without him.
and life is better now than it ever has been.
this world is scary.
and weird.
and terrible.
and people will continue to break my heart.
but i know that i can be healed.
and that's the best news i've ever gotten.

trust.

God is good.
i know this, because this weekend i was able to do something i have never really been able to do.
i was able to say no to something that wasn't going to be good for me right now.
able to be honest and mature and real about my heart.
able to take it down a notch so that it could develop in a healthy way.
that's awesome.
God is alive.
i know this because my heart is so full of love and peace right now, it's amazing.
because i see him working in the lives of friends and family. in my church. in me.
God is in control.
which is certainly good news for me, because i don't have a clue about anything without him.
and that means i get to choose to not worry about things.
to invest in what's important and what i am being called to.
to let go of those things that break my heart, but that i cannot do anything about.
to just...let go.
God is trustworthy.
because i don't trust easily. or at all sometimes.
and God is keeping his promises.
he is providing.
he is working.
he is blessing me more than i could have ever imagined.
and i know that if i can just remember to give it to him first, then i will be able to trust that he will take care of me.

life is good.

a new year.

i feel lethargic.
i need a freaking job already.
i want to create things.
i have a corner full of projects just waiting to be worked on.
i have shelves full of books i am longing to read.
tell me to quit being lazy.
i cannot sleep.
maybe it's because i have nothing to wake up for on a regular basis?
yeh...and the fact that my mind refuses to shut off.
brain...seriously...calm down.
or maybe it's because my heart is coming alive in ways i haven't felt for a long time.
that's a nice change.
so many surprises for me at home.
i did not think i would be this happy.
i want to learn more about jesus...like all the time.
and i want to be fully engaged...enamoured...engulfed in him.
prayer is so good for my soul.
there's a bit of fear i think...
but god's got it.

post christmas post

home.
for about a month now.
it's been wonderful.
probably the happiest i've been in awhile.
and i am loving it.
still no job yet, though i did have a promising interview last week, so we'll see.
working out.
counseling.
grad school prospects.
family.
new friends.
a good community.
god is providing.
life is good.

a new life.

i've decided to leave colorado. come home, find a job, change my life.
this will be a new and interesting journey.
i'm excited.
scared.
nervous.
sad.
missing my friends and kids in colorado.
but God is here and he's promised to take care of me.
so i'll be okay.
not sure what anything will look like yet.
except my new room, which will very soon be green.
also, my niece was born today.
and my dad got a job.
all kinds of exciting things.
we'll see what's next.

freedom.

rob bell is amazing. last wednesday, i had the privilege of hearing him speak at a theater in denver. i was encouraged. i was inspired. i left a different person. he spoke about how in ancient times, people worshiped hundreds of gods, and were constantly trying to keep them happy in order to have good lives, making them slaves in essence. and aren't we still worshipping the same gods, only calling them by different names? we are still slaves to tons of things. the past. our guilt. shame. what we are. what we're not. WE DON'T HAVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT. we can live in the freedom of redemption, because it is already finished. we are no longer slaves to anything, but can embrace the salvation which has already happened. and jesus doesn't remember our sins. how great is that? it was an amazing experience. i'm currently reading rob's first book, velvet elvis. if you haven't read it, i highly recommend the experience. also, sex god, and his third which will be coming out in december.

"If it is true, if it is beautiful, if it is honorable, if it is right, then claim it. Because it is from God. And you belong to God."
-Rob Bell

heaven.

so my church here, flatirons? it's amazing. we've been doing this series about heaven and hell and death and why bad things happen...it's so great. and encouraging. it's really putting things into a larger perspective which is great for someone who can get bogged down in details quickly. the pastor is so real, and he just throws it out there. no sugar coating at all. and it's really striking a chord with some of the girls here. how do you try to explain sin to a girl who's been raped? not an easy task. good thing Jesus is way better at communication than me.
things are generally good. this weekend was tough. there is tension in the house, and the girls have no idea how to do confrontation with love. or confrontation period. times are tough :) but God is good. and faithful. and the breaking down of my soul and my issues in the midst of this ministry is so good when you have Jesus to hold you and carry you through it.
it snowed in the mountains yesterday. beautiful! and i get to snowboard in them a bunch. i am definitely excited. i'm thinking that fall and winter in denver are going to be pretty spectacular...