empty.

when community dies. changes.
when we are who feeds.
when we give.
and give.
and give.
emptiness.
we are to be sustained by God.
but built for relationship and community with people.
imperfect.
broken.
failing you every time.
so is God really enough?
how do we rebuild?
is it worth it?
how do we forgive?
will it happen again?
can we handle failure?
and how do we cope...survive...live?
in the inbetween?
the rebuilding?
when it's hard.
slow.
unfulfilling.
where is the hope?
hard to trust.
hard to love again.
risk?


maybe.

enough.

be faster.
think quicker.
be more genuine.
do the dishes. and make the drinks. and answer the calls. and clean. and take out the garbage.
all at the same time.
do it this way.
do this for me.
help me with this.
meet with me.
call me.
listen to me.
grow your hair out.
lose weight.
i don't like your nose ring.
and don't expect anything in return.
don't expect encouragement.
because you aren't good enough.
and you never will be.
anyone else feel this way?
i do.
lately.
at work.
at home.
in so many of my relationships.
especially the close ones.
i wish i had the time to be everything that everybody needs.
i really do.
but i don't.
i just wish i could be who i am.
and that that would be good enough for the world.
it's good enough for Jesus.

easter.

have you ever experienced a holy moment?
like...everything just feels different, and you know...
you know it's because the presence of God is palpable.
that's what friday night was like.
'to be continued' on the screen, and everyone got up and left.
in silence.
no words were spoken.
it was incredible.
God is alive.
living.
we get to celebrate that.
we get to live that out.
the sermon today, on easter, was about losing your religion to gain a relationship with jesus.
we don't find our hope in rituals, and the tally of how many ministries we are involved with, how much money we give, or how many times we go (or don't go) to church.
i'm not at church today.
i am home.
i've listened to the sermon.
and now i get to spend my own time with my jesus.
the one who doesn't care about rituals or tasks.
the one who wants a relationship with me...good, bad, ugly, sad, crappy, heart broken, prideful, beautiful, happy, apathetic, loving, what have you.
thanks for loving me.
period.
no matter what.

peace.

this time around...
i'm not so stressed.
i'm not analyzing everything.
i'm not trying to control.
i'm not worried about how every little thing will make or break this.
i'm not trying to impress.
i'm not being really careful.
i'm being me.
and i'm giving this to God.
this time around feels...
different.
good.
better.
right.
because i don't need this.
this doesn't define me.
even if it happens...
it won't be mine.
because it is already God's.
always will be.
and isn't that better?
isn't that how it should be?
wow...i don't have anything to do with this really.
my job is still to love the Lord with all my heart.
mind.
soul.
strength.
can i do that with this? absolutely.
a given.
no questions.
wow.
i don't need this.
but i want this.
because if it happens, it will be this amazing gift from God.
this beautiful thing i will be entrusted with to bring more glory to him.
wow...that's an awesome thing.
hmmm....
amazing peace about this.
amazing.
that's awesome.

blessed.

i have amazing friends.
like seriously...amazing.
and i've been realizing how blessed i truly am to have these friends.
old friends like kate and steve who know me well and have been through a lot with me.
beautiful women like sara and christy and jenna and sher who encourage me and challenge me and are in this fight with me.
awesome guys like dan and paul and nathan who are so much fun, and who really take care of me.
it has been so good to have you all as friends...
thanks for loving me...inviting me into your community...letting me into your lives.
you guys are the best!

sick.

when i'm sick, i turn into a five year old little girl again.
i just want to be taken care of.
i lose my filter.
i say things i do not mean.
would never mean.
i hurt people.
i think and say things irrationally.
i let everything get to me.
i give in to the deadness that i have been fighting against.
lately i have been feeling so empty.
feeling like there is no real meaning to my life as it is right now.
like all i am doing is worthless.
which isn't true.
this season in my life is so different than anything else.
i think because i'm not in school, i feel like i'm not working towards anything.
which isn't really true.
because there is a purpose in this season.
and it has been so good.
i know satan is just trying to ruin things like he always does.
but i refuse to give in to that.
i will give myself grace for being five right now.
i will realize that this isn't who i really am.
that i get to choose who i am.
and i don't choose the five year old version of myself.
and i will see this as an opportunity to seek God.
to grow and learn and become a better person.
and i will rest in the fact that even when i am five, God still loves me.

fight.

i think jesus is stretching me.
testing me.
when we pray, he doesn't promise answers.
he only promises that he has good plans for us.
that we can trust him.
which is so hard to do.
but i refuse to be passive.
i refuse to give in to laziness and fear.
i will reject those things.
i will step out in faith, and trust that God will catch me.
i will receive grace.
i will give grace.
and i will continue to pursue love and truth in all that i do.

questions.

"Katy stands at the top of the stairs
As she's leaving her father stares
What has she come to? Another boy she runs to tonight
Powerless he just shakes his head
Disappointed and off to bed
But he won't be sleeping cause the hours she's keeping are not right
She's asking a question, how will I be?
After this next one eventually leaves me
How can a man be all that they say when all that I know
Is men run away? I think I lose just a little bit of me in every man that I see.
Danny's been out now for 7 days
Funny how he thought the price had been paid on a past he hates to talk about
It's everything wrong about him
He goes back home to a battle field and starts to drink as some kind of a shield
For the anger instilled in him and their looks are killing him now
He's asking a question
How will I be when it comes down to the end and memories still haunt me?
How can He have forgiveness that flows when no one forgives me
Yet it's Jesus they know
I think I lose just a little bit of me in this family that won't see
A crowd of confusion gathers round watching the light as he slowly goes out
After all they've talked about everything's coming out now
Their anger turns to dead and gone
Hearts start to feel what feels so wrong and as the time starts passing by and hours turn to days in their heads they can still hear Him say
I came for your questions of what you don't know
But you can't see the answers unless I go
So give me your hatred and give your diseased
Give me your tired and I'll take them with me
Cause I'm hanging here losing every part of me
Just to open your eyes to what you would never see
And to answer your questions there's no place that I'd rather be."

-Jon McLaughlin, Questions

this song really captures the human condition, i think.
i mean, not everyone's story is exactly like this.
but we all have hurts that shape us.
questions that go unanswered by the people we love most.
seeking validation in worldly things...in people who will most definitely fail us.
in money.
in work.
in our accomplishments.
we've all been there.
we're all still there.
i've been there.
it took me twenty-two years to find that validation in God.
and no, i'm not being sappy.
or cheesey.
or lame.
a real relationship with jesus is anything but.
and yes, i still struggle.
every day.
but i am a different person today than i was just a year ago.
just eight months ago, even.
and it's because i found myself through the experiences i've had.
and i found my heart again.
and i realized that i can't be the person i want to be, the person i have to be, without him.
and life is better now than it ever has been.
this world is scary.
and weird.
and terrible.
and people will continue to break my heart.
but i know that i can be healed.
and that's the best news i've ever gotten.

trust.

God is good.
i know this, because this weekend i was able to do something i have never really been able to do.
i was able to say no to something that wasn't going to be good for me right now.
able to be honest and mature and real about my heart.
able to take it down a notch so that it could develop in a healthy way.
that's awesome.
God is alive.
i know this because my heart is so full of love and peace right now, it's amazing.
because i see him working in the lives of friends and family. in my church. in me.
God is in control.
which is certainly good news for me, because i don't have a clue about anything without him.
and that means i get to choose to not worry about things.
to invest in what's important and what i am being called to.
to let go of those things that break my heart, but that i cannot do anything about.
to just...let go.
God is trustworthy.
because i don't trust easily. or at all sometimes.
and God is keeping his promises.
he is providing.
he is working.
he is blessing me more than i could have ever imagined.
and i know that if i can just remember to give it to him first, then i will be able to trust that he will take care of me.

life is good.

a new year.

i feel lethargic.
i need a freaking job already.
i want to create things.
i have a corner full of projects just waiting to be worked on.
i have shelves full of books i am longing to read.
tell me to quit being lazy.
i cannot sleep.
maybe it's because i have nothing to wake up for on a regular basis?
yeh...and the fact that my mind refuses to shut off.
brain...seriously...calm down.
or maybe it's because my heart is coming alive in ways i haven't felt for a long time.
that's a nice change.
so many surprises for me at home.
i did not think i would be this happy.
i want to learn more about jesus...like all the time.
and i want to be fully engaged...enamoured...engulfed in him.
prayer is so good for my soul.
there's a bit of fear i think...
but god's got it.